I Don't Understand a.k.a. IS THIS HAPPENING?

I don't understand

You say you love me

When did the word "love" become like acid?

It pains me to reply

I have everything I could ever want

And I am setting it on fire

My girl, you have done nothing to deserve this

But I cannot stand the taste of your mouth

Lying is easy

Pain hurts

You deserve the whole world and I crush you

Lying next to you I am sick

Sitting in my lot of frustration

Aware of my sins, past and future

The pain I inflict is unknown to you

But always at the front of my brain

There is no reason not to act on impulse

Follow your heart and break another

Such a liar

I do not deny the truth

In the dead of night it haunts me in emptiness

I am tearless, but not fearless

How I wish

For this pain to grow stronger

Fuck me 'till the end

Birds.

Shit soaks through to the teeth, to the teeth

Life is messier than this, than this, than this

Birds who were not meant to fly, meant to fly

Now you're stuck with a fist, fist, fist

Shoot the gun into your eye

Shoot it twice into the sky

Life is messier than this, than this, than this

Then this is the time to fly

Birds who were not meant to soar, meant to soar

Tend to jump into the sea, to the sea

My back itches more than this

I'm bleeding from the inside out.

2008.

This is a new year

And there's so much to do!

My arms are too tired to even lift above my head

So how am I going to resolve?

Lists do not work themselves out

They only organize

Categorize

A life that is far from tidy.

My lover lays asleep in morning blankets

Her eyes sprinkled with dust.

When I lie next to her

A thousand lists are crumpled,

Shredded, and blown away

And I have nothing more important to do

Than to kiss her warm cheek.

X-mas.

Christmastime is coming,
And I have never been so unprepared
For everything.
I have to make myself look good for my girlfriend.
I have to shop for presents.
I have to care.
I have to make myself look a bit happier.
This is quite unfortunate.
A young man is compiling a group of poems in a book
For his family and friends
Because they care about him.

When I write, I do not write for anyone else besides myself
(Even though I secretly wish to be known by the world
Without criticism).

I don't write because I am happy.
Sentences and paragraphs created while having joyous feelings
Are meaningless
Because the feelings of happiness are all that matter
Not the words written during those times.
The words will never be a good representation of those feelings.
As I am sad, I can write.
My thoughts become solid, understandable thoughts on the page
When in my head they were mixed and assorted.
Now they are organized!
Now YOU can read them!

If man were to write forever, he would never be able to clearly represent his thoughts
Because thoughts and words are not precisely translatable.
Even if man used every language in existence
There is a language that we use in our minds
To speak to other minds,
To speak to ourselves,
That is not transmittable through pen and pad.

Now that it is Christmastime, I am realizing
How pointless this all is
If I can't even get my thoughts across.

Chicago

November 27th, 2007

We can sit, smoke, and drink coffee

Like the kids in Chicago do.



All you or I do is try to make ourselves appear

As cool as the cool kids.

Do cool kids model themselves after even more fashionable kids?

What are the coolest of cool to do?

Are they so comfortable in their place on the societal chart

That they reign without self-consciousness?

Or do they look at you or I

And think,

"I should do my hair that way."

?

Bathtime.

October 30th, 2007

When we are talking to each other

It is as though a faucet of goodness,

Love, and pleasant thoughts has been turned on full blast

Gushing over us

And we are soaked to the bone

With compliments.



I like taking showers with you.

Why do cows get the benefit of the doubt?

October 20th, 2007

Why do cows get the benefit of the doubt?

When will it be my time to run?

This church is empty, except for me

The liturgy has not begun

Why is my mind the only thing to wander?

Why aren't my feet doing the same?

Why is it I am stationary

When I'm not the one who is lame?

The sun is so fucking bright through the window

They say my future is similar

It's said one one loses this race

That everyone comes out a winner

But how can I win if I cannot stand?
It's something I don't understand
It's something I can't stand

Why do cows get the benefit of the doubt?

When will it be my time to fly?

My legs are stiff, but my arms are not

The least I can do is to try